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Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone`s food pics and posting the calories.
When I`m bored I like to dress in a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks.
I’m a proud supporter of messy hair and sweatpants.
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old...
And yet another year goes by with People magazine failing to recognize my beauty.
My bed is way more comfortable in the mornings than during the night.
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
... and so begins another failed hundred or so attempts at trying to write the correct year on anything I date.
Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It`s simple. If it`s clean, it`s on the floor. If it`s dirty, it`s on the floor over there.