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I don`t get offered drugs nearly as often as D.A.R.E. said I would.
The sun shouldn`t be allowed to come out until after your hangover.
Yadot rorrim eht fo edis gnorw eht no pu ekow I. (I woke up on the wrong side of the mirror today.)
I have decided I no longer want to be an adult. So if anyone needs me, I`ll be in my blankey fort... coloring.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
If you guys could read my mind! It would be all like; " "
I received an email from a hacker that had accessed my bank account. It simply read, "LOL".
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Everything Else
The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest....
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when I’m done.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills,with a rubber band around it...I found the rubber band....
Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.