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I always take a number at the deli, and I`ve been keeping them.... Eventually I`ll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn.
sometimes when i`m lonely i`ll fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend that i`m a meatball
I’m an only child, and I’m still not the favorite.
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
The first person who discovered how to make popcorn must have been like "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!"
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
How long have I been working here? ... Ever since they threatened to fire me.
I try to find the good in every situation. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Too bad the little guy "Tattoo" from Fantasy Island isn`t around anymore. They could ask HIM where the plane is!
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.
There would be a lot less people willing to run for public office if the losers were required to pick up all the lawn signs afterwards.
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
Some people`s lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
You know who your true friends are when they call you at 3AM just to tell you they love you and that their drunk...
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?