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All I`m saying is one of us is right and the other one is you.
Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
Hey pigs, stop trying to swallow entire apples. You keep dying!
Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn`t appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
Never trust anyone who smiles this early in the morning.
This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
I just called the Alcohol Hotline and those bastards don`t even deliver.
Someone just told me to "Have a good morning". What about the rest of my day mother f*cker?
This status could be yours for 3 easy payment of $8.99, get in quick because this offer won`t last for long, infact there are only 5 left.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it`s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
No one your age has any idea what they`re doing either. No matter what age you are.
Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate`s face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.