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From this point on, all postings of pictures of waffles will be considered a personal invitation.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.
My face hurts from pretending to like you.
I hate people that take drugs, specially U.S. Customs and the D.E.A.
Sometimes I get up really early, drink some coffee and read some awesome motivational quotes. Then I go back to bed.
We`re up to Fast n Furious #6. Shouldn`t they just create a weekly TV series?
Never piss off a woman on her period...scratch that...Never piss off a woman, period.
Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you and your motivational crap is far away
Don`t, under any circumstance, believe I`ll return your Tupperware.
I don’t care what women say, size matters in bed. The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.
I dream about naps.
Days that I don’t have to care about my appearance are my favorite days.
Are you still bored? Head over to Walmart, take a box of condoms to the checkout clerk, and ask where the fitting room is.
If someone invites you to their wedding, it`s apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can`t make it but I`ll come to your next one".