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You never know what you are missing,until you clean your room.
I told my psychiatrist that I`ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don`t have a psychiatrist.
Just once I`d like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we`re going to have to ask you to leave"
Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.
Scientists have discovered that at least 50 percent of fat people’s BMI is made up of excuses...
stupidity is a privelege entitled to everyone but you my dear are abusing this right
You can learn a lot from a person especially when you watch them through high powered binoculars, I`m just saying.
The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
What`s the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick? Asking for my two year old.
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
LOQ "Laugh Out Quietly" because LOL is giving me a headache
Actually officer, I`d prefer to think that vodka smells like me.
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That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.