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Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.
2 can keep a secret if one of them is dead...
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."
I like them big and fake. ~Me talking about Christmas trees
During the first two weeks of January, people often resolve to lose weight, which is great for me because the line at Golden Corral is much shorter.
If everything goes as planned, tonight I shall drink myself beautiful.
These old people at the bus stop really suck at paintball.
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
Don`t sugar-coat it, I`ll just lick that off....
I hate it when auto-correct changes my "omg" to "OMG" like, chill out, I`m not that surprised.
Happy birthday to my Pet Rock who is 453,786,321 years old today!
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
There were 2 muffins in a muffin shop the first 1 says "I love being a muffin!" then the 2 muffin says ``Holy crap its a talking muffin!"
One of the biggest decisions when you go to college is whether to join a fraternity or just be an asshole on your own.