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Please excuse me for talking while you were interrupting.
I’m the kind of girl that would eat Doritos on her wedding day & accidentally wipe her hands on her dress.
I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th, because I know how to reduce fractions unlik the rest of you morons.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
I finally got some "me time" being away from the kids. Two whole hours. Would have gotten more, but my knees started getting numb from crouching behind the dryer.
My inner self is in Photoshop
I have two moods: sleep is for the weak and sleeping for a week.
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
Still haven`t cashed in my winning megamillions ticket...scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different.
I don`t think I can call myself an adult until I can accept the fact that "dry clean only" is not a dare.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Honey, tact is for people who aren`t witty enough to be sarcastic.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered is god playing angry birds hmm