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I`ve been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
Well I didn`t know that minding my own business becomes part of your business to mind
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
As I slid my finger slowly down her G string, I thought to myself "this is a nice guitar"
The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work..
My door bell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.
I`m not fat. My stomach is in 3D
there is no strong beer, only weak men
I had a doctors appointment today. He said I was normal! See? I told you!!!
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don`t Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
There I was, watching a advertisement when a YouTube video rudely interrupts it...
if i get a friend request from you and your profile picture is a car i`ll asume your a transformer
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"