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Ironically, Internet was made to save our time.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you`re signing a cast.
Wish my girlfriend was awake, could really do with a sandwich right now.
Oh, I thought you were talking about napping. In that case no, I`m not good in bed.
Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.
Hearing jokes is always 100 times funnier when you have water in your mouth.
After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it`s true calling: helping people wink online.
My girlfriend JUST spent the ENTIRE day arguing that she isn`t stubborn.. :|
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
If you think someone is staring at you: 1. Yawn 2. If they yawn, they were staring.
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
It`s kind of funny how as you get older, you start enjoying things that you hated as a kid, like taking naps and getting spanked.
They say love is in every corner… Then my life must be a freakin’ circle.