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SCIENCE FACT: If you close your eyes, you won`t be able to see.
Hunting is easier for vegans because it’s easier to sneak up on plants.
Marriage tip: Don`t
"I am upping my standards... so up yours!"
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
No need to thank me for accepting your friend request. We`ll both regret it soon enough.
Home is where you can say anything you want, because nobody listens to you anyway.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
Drake isn`t even a rapper anymore. He`s an emotion, like "how are you doing today?" "idk im feeling kinda drake though"
My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
You’re not important enough to have haters. You just have a few people who notice you’re an a$$hole.
If offering people gum is cooking, then yes, I cook.
If you would`ve told me back in 1999 that we`d still be using animated gifs in 2015, I would`ve said "Wow, what a boring conversation"
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.