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Men like football because the priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man’s life…. Scoring and Ball Security.
*Gets absolutely nothing done*… Welp time for a break.
hmm ... I wonder what I´m thinking?
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
Don`t let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.
yelling at the referee that he made a mistake has never worked, No Referee has never turned around and said, "Why yes your are right silly me I did make a mistake, penalty denied, goal kick"
I don`t always say I`m never drinking again, but when I do, I`m a f*cking liar.
If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
I’m glad you spent $80 on makeup to look like a $5 whore. Well done
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
We should be nicer to old people. When they walked uphill both ways in the snow they had to do it without an internet connection too.
When you are not happy and would like to go back to being young, think of Algebra!