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Do you ever think that if it weren`t for someone smoking Marijuana they might of killed you already. . .
Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.
Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can`t even.
I lent my girlfriend ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now she left me and I don’t know what she looks like.
I wonder what my dog has named me?
Hey, if it doesn`t work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
Here`s a list of helpful tips for meeting a great girl: 1. Don`t be me.
Diamonds are the hardest substance in the world ... to get back from a woman
Everything is a boomerang if you throw it upwards.
It`s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.
I don`t feel like folding the laundry, so I just restart the dryer
Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.
C`mon Netflix, we both know I`m watching the next episode. Just go ahead and start it.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills,with a rubber band around it...I found the rubber band....