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My friend is a magician, she can turn anything into an argument.
Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
My Bills are so big that I have to call them William now.
I`m not above slashing my own tires to avoid going to this family brunch.
The only thing worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat is sitting on a warm one.
My idea of getting lucky is having someone else do the laundry.
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
I bet people who like their own statuses wink at themselves in the mirror too.
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
you know you have a kid personality when you think step brothers is the greatest movie ever.
I mostly use Facebook to remember why I stopped hanging out with certain people.
No one on Earth has a higher tolerance to cold temperatures than someone who wants to smoke a cigarette.
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.