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Some days your the bug; some days your the windshield.
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don`t even like.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Saying that your company has been in business since the 1800`s isn`t a selling point. Slavery existed then too...
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
My love is like a candle, If you forget about me, I`ll burn your frikin house down!
No matter how old you are, If a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.
Sleep is for people with no internet connection.
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
I went to see the doctor today for my annual check-up. The good news is the he says I`m healthy as a horse. The bad news is he uses large farm animals to
So does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won`t share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding! I have no clue whose kid this is.
Life is like a burrito. If you fill it with too many things it falls apart and then you cry and they kick you out of Chipotle.
Would you like a push on that mood swing of yours?
Duct tape can`t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.