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A lot of people don`t realise that Shania Twain`s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I bet Waldo’s parents are worried sick.
I`m running low on funny but I have plenty of sexy left.
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
It`s called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
What kind of wine goes best with laundry?
I think you know you’ve got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
Don`t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I`ve changed since then.
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells "CODE RED, CODE RED" really loud then people scurry like mad.
Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....
My dance moves are somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”