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Man, this Trojan gum I bought tastes terrible ... Blows amazing bubbles though
Pepsi and Coke can`t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
Boy it`s nice out today... or at least that`s what it says on my computer.
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. Not the best idea a man ever had ;)
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problems. 99% demons.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a complete loser.
I was going to exercise this morning, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
I wonder if the girls on "16 and pregnant," will come back on "32 and a Grandma."
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?