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Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
Why is it called when animals attack? It should be called when retarded people go near dangerous animals.
You make me want to be a drunker person
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
People would believe everything I say.. if it wasn`t for everything I say.
I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
Iām planning on ringing the new year in with a kiss ... whether my dog likes it or not.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
I hate it when I open my fridge and get punched by a bear... =/
Pay phones should be replaced with chargers for cell phones.
My sex life is like a Ferrari ... I don`t have a Ferrari
When the coffee stops working it is probably the right time to start drinking.