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First the Jerk cut me off in traffic, then stole my parking space, then his stupid car got paint all over my key!
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of Alcohol
So how many women out there think men are pigs? Gimme a show of tits!
When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
If its the thought that counts, then I`ve banged so many hot chicks.
I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they`re the problem is the other half.
Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
I just found out my smoke detector comes with a warranty. WHAT FOR? If it don`t work, what`s left?
Currently helping my sister look for her chocolate`s I ate 4hrs ago.
Don`t talk about yourself so much... we`ll do that when you leave.
If you step on someone`s foot, they open their mouth just like trash cans.
I could actually watch golf on TV if Land Mines were involved.