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Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Chuck E. Cheese is just a casino for little kids.
I´m pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and I´ll let you know.
Reality is for those who can`t handle alcohol
You know you`re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature`s.
My inner self is in Photoshop
“Grandbrother” sounds much cooler than uncle.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you have tits. Simple as that
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
Dont freeze your Common sense in the process of being COOL.
Remember before we met? I miss those days.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”