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My hair only looks good on days when no one important sees it.
I love tan lines... it`s like God came down and high-lighted all the good parts... ;-)
The sooner you fall behind the more time you´ll have to catch up.
I don`t have a smartphone I have a phone that shows potential but doesn`t apply itself
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
I hate when I´m laughing & my a$$ falls off.
I will always love you, even if I have to from no closer than 300 feet.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
I don`t get it. If violets are blue, why do we call them violets?
If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?
You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.
I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake
In the 60`s we took LSD to make the world look wierd. Now the world is weird and we take Prozac to make it look normal.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool