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I’m beginning to believe that successful relationships come down to Netflix compatibility.
According to these court documents, the way to a woman`s heart isn`t through her bedroom window.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
We`re all here because we`re not all there...
Not to brag, but I don’t need to smoke pot to get the munchies.
“Can we talk tomorrow?” is my way of saying “I’ll try to do a better job of avoiding you tomorrow?”
I was the kid my parents warned me about.
I`ve found that nowadays most people don`t like holding hands in public. Especially if you don`t know them.
The Kids today just don`t appreciate the colors and flavors of Dial soap like I do
When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it`s okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich
I`ve totally cut carbs out of my diet. Until lunch.
People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh!t to yourself.
If Milli Vanilli were to fall in the woods, would someone else make a sound?