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When will vegeterians stop eating my food`s food??
Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
Oh I thought it was wait 30 YEARS after eating before you exercise.
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
I`m single by choice. Not MY choice. But it`s still a choice
Waldo wears stripes because he doesn`t want to be spotted !
Before asking a hot chick out, I wish I could first talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.
Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
I`m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they`ve won the Canadian lottery.
I want to follow my dream, but i dont want to look like a stalker
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
It’s amazing how easily “I have 10 minutes to waste before I need to leave” accidentally turns into “oh crap I’m running late.”
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.