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Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.
A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
I think I`m gonna glue my thumbs to my nipples and pretend I`m a T-Rex.
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.
bitches want what they cant have..or thats what I keep telling myself
Love makes the world go round, but alcohol makes it go round twice as fast!
You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
Learn to fight like you`re the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with hope that it might magically solve her problems.
When the kids come home from school they close the door then almost immediately open another door..... The one to the fridge!!!!