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Are nap dates a thing? Because that`s something I can work with...
Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
Never sit down in front of the computer while having breakfast because when you get up it’ll be dinner time.
Being rich doesn`t equal happiness but i`d rather cry in a ferrari
I really don`t have time for people that don`t find me hilarious.
I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
What do you call a black woman with braces?... A Black and Decker P@cker Wrecker!
Legalizing same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
What do bats eat that makes their sh!t our standard for crazy?
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.
Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
The first rule of elevator club is don`t talk to other members of elevator club.
If a cannibal is late for dinner, do they give him the cold shoulder?
You`re right. I don`t have a clue. I`ve never had a clue. It`s part of my charm and it seems to be working for me.