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I`m still mad that video killed the radio star.
No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. Its more like a jar of jalapeños, what you do today can burn your a$$ tomorrow
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I`ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
If you`ve lost your appetite today, I think I have it.
Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.
Do you ever wish that you could just unmeet someone.
Finally in bed. No better time to start thinking about every possible thing that has or ever could happen.
Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Never piss off the person that cooks your dinner ... EVER!
We didn`t take a video recording of our child`s birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. – The Opportunist