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I just did my budget for August. If I don`t buy food ... I won`t need toilet paper. I think I`m on to something here.
One should love animals.. They are so tasty.
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
If you`re going take a bathroom picture, at least clean it off. I can`t see anything through all the toothpaste.
If I have ten pieces of bacon and you take five pieces, what do you have? Thats right., A black eye and a broken hand!
The more photos you have to untag, the better the weekend was.
The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.
Say no to drugs! Then again, if you`re talking to drugs, you`re probably already on drugs.
If the shoe fits . . . buy one in every color
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves ...That`s where I come in...
If I`m guilty of anything it`s loving you too much. Oh and indecent exposure...I suppose trespassing too.
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.
You sure do seem to know a lot about love and relationships for someone who spends 22 hours a day on Facebook.
The Eskimo´s allegedly have 52 words for snow. I have several words for snow also!