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If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek.
Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes in your friend’s drink. After five minutes their drink will randomly explode.
That annoying feeling when you finally downloaded the movie you wanted to watch and BOOM!... It`s in French. #F**kYouFrance
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Do you know what’d look good on you? Me
I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!”
I think we`ll be friends forever because we`re too lazy to find new friends.
Now working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the first.
I like superheroes but I`d rather hang out with the villains.
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up...
Don`t be sad, laundry. Nobody is doing me either.
What if Spider Man has to stop a crime in the countryside
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.