Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Wait...so the "c-word" isn`t co-worker?
I`ve got to remember to tie a string around my finger!
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work.
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.
Dear Carly Simon, Yes I am so vain that I do think that song is about me.
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
Finally in bed. No better time to start thinking about every possible thing that has or ever could happen.
Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.
If a cannibal is late for dinner, do they give him the cold shoulder?
Me: I`m hungry. Fridge: I don`t give a sh*t. Cabinet: B*tch, don`t look at me. Freezer: Lol, you like ice? :-)
Don`t tell me to make myself at home if you don`t want me to drop my pants and download porn on your computer.
It`s spooky how many kids look like their owners.