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You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don’t go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.
It`s a beautiful day, think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit.
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
The bat signal seems pretty useless if they need Batman during the day.
I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don`t understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butts.
Those teardrop tattoos mean you cried during the notebook, right?
So many people are making history right now. but me, I`m deleting history from my browser.
I regret buying that straight jacket now. I thought it would look good on me but I just couldn`t pull it off...
My therapist just offered me my money back.
There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.
I just threw up my weekend.
Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.
Young enough to know I can. Old enough to know I shouldn`t. Stupid enough to do it anyway.