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My level of sarcasm is to the point where I don`t even know if I`m kidding or not.
Please excuse me for talking while you were interrupting.
SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.
If you workout and don`t post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole
You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.
I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
Neighbor said hi again. I`m just gonna move
Who ever said, "The customer is always right", clearly never worked with the public a day in their life.
Funny how the closer I get to the bar the friendlier I become.
I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers.
A "Tap Out" sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.
Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.
Someone has got to come up with a polite way to ask a fat girl if she`s pregnant.