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Pepsi and Coke can`t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
This liquor store needs a dollar menu.
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
The covers of this book are too far apart.
I was struggling,trying to figure out how lightning works .....then it struck me!
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.
YouTube "This video is not available in your country". where the hell am I from? NARNIA?
If a 747 can carry a f*cking space shuttle on its back, Iām calling bullsh!t on an overweight baggage charge.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect
My door bell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.
Just saw 2 homeless guys hitting eachother with cardboard... PILLOW FIGHT!
At Starbucks drive up window. Me: large iced chai please Them: you mean a venti? Me: large iced chai. Them: we call a large a venti. Me: Do you want a large tip or a venti tip? Them: large iced chai, please pull up.
The trouble with jogging is, that by the time you realize you`re not in shape, it`s too far to walk back.
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was big white bear with no sexual preference.
I just found a $100 bill laying on the floor in the checkout lane. I don`t even have to try to find out who lost it, because it`s the same color, and has the same picture on it as the one I lost 2 years ago!! WooHoo, talk about fate huh??!!