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I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
When you screw up, menopause can be a wonderful excuse for stupid things you do or say!!!
I`m at the facebook saloon, drinking all night long
Real friends show me their boobs
I live for those really small but special moments in life, like when I see the waiter bringing my food to the table.
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
Studies show that people who want tribal tattoos are directly related to living under a rock
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
FYI, Target does not give prizes, no matter how many bullseyes you hit in the store with a paintball gun
LIKE if you check your phone to see what time it is and then check it again because the first time you weren’t paying attention.
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody`s there to appreciate it.
I`ll admit I`m not perfect but what did the horse I rode in on do?
If you wake up with a chick and you dont know her name, take her to starbucks, they`ll write it on the cup.