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I will never be to old to laugh when somone farts in a public bathroom peeing..
can´t seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the pesky word "premeditated " gets thrown around in court.
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she pours gasoline around your car.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong...
Fart jokes ain`t funny, they stink.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
I`d do anything to lose 20lbs. Well, except for eating healthy or working out.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated...go figure.
One of my female friend is reading a book called "Learn to drive in a week" for the last 3 years.
I like to go to a strangers house tell them you used to live there and that your grandfather hid money somewhere in the house and just leave.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Tips for Guys on Valentine`s Day: Tell your girl you already got something and make her guess. She`ll automatically list things she wants.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow.