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I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender
String cheese is the sexiest of the cheeses. It’s like you get to undress it.
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
It`s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
My bank is the worst. They`re charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can`t even afford to be broke.
How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I`ll let you know if we can be friends.
I can`t fall asleep because I am too excited for Christmas
It took me quite some time to be this good a procrastinator
Just saw someone eat a kit kat bar without breaking off each individual piece and now I can`t stop twitching.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t.
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?
Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…
"I understand your logic, but let`s try to look at this more emotionally." - women