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Tomorrow I will live in the moment, unless it`s unpleasant, in which case I will eat a cookie.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
My neighbor just spent $237.43 at the vet, that`s $1,662.01 in dog dollars.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
I hope your day is as nice as your butt.
The wife finally agreed to anal sex... Does anyone know what a strap-on is?
People who say, “Happy New Year” to you on the 4th of January are not really your friends.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces.
When I`m all out of alcohol...haha! Just kidding! I`d never let that scenario become a reality.
Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out.. You`re Welcome..
If you go to dinner alone always ask for a table for two. Look sad as you eat and you will almost always get a free dessert
Chip clips are for quitters.
For some reason I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why
Texting while sitting at a stop light: Helping save lives every day by preventing T-bone collisions with drivers who run red lights. Because of that extra minute it takes for you to realize that the light has turned green, the driver who has no regard for the safety of others entering the intersection legally, can now safely clear the intersection without causing a collision. For this, we thank you.