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Every woman is beautiful in her own unique way. Sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
I think sex is probably the best stress reliever, but I haven’t beaten anyone with a baseball bat before, so I can’t be 100% sure.
These old people at the bus stop really suck at paintball.
Getting up in the morning is like writing an essay. You want to do it, it takes a lot of effort, and you usually quit halfway through.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Pringles should make their containers like a Push Up Pop.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
If the zombie apocalypse happened in Vegas…would it “stay in Vegas”?
I have an eating disorder; I`m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.
Gonna try out my new drinking game tonight... 1. Turn on the news. 2. Take a drink every time the word FERGUSON is said!
When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”
morning i hate girls evening i need girls