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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!!
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the smart one
Seems like you could save a lot of time if you just paired The Bachelor with The Bachelorette.
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
No heel is too high when pointed up at the ceiling.
Some people think I say inappropriate things...I perfer to think of it as being f*cking honest.
You`re the reason why I believe in condoms.
Mac & Cheese doesn`t contain many vitamins, so it`s important you always eat a bunch of it.
I`m pretty sure even Santa wishes they would stop playing Christmas music on the radio this time of year.
I hear you`ve been very naughty ... Go to my room!
My wife says I should use the term "make love" instead of "f*ck.". What the make love is she talking about?
Ignoring things don`t make them go away, it makes them drunk dial you.
If you want to take a bank teller out on a date, just ask her. Don`t slip her a note at the window. Trust me on this.
You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That`s a ghost finishing sex with you.