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Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts...it would be very creepy.
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
Never tell a lie ... unless it is absolutely convenient
Diet Tip #63 : Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn`t work any better.
Tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Guys be like, "Lets play 21 question." Girl: Ok, what`s your favorite color? Boy: Triangle, so you a virgin?
My sex life is like a Ferrari ... I don`t have a Ferrari
I can see your camouflage pants, so they`re not working.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane`s dog & she was like, "I`ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"
I wonder if these beers are performance enhancing. Iām feeling pretty awesome!!
Starbucks isn`t really that expensive compared to how much Victoria`s Secret charges per cup.
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...