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My fantasy is having two women at once...One Cooking, One Cleaning.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
If I didn`t procrastinate, I probably wouldn`t do anything at all.
Like my therapist always says, "I`m not your therapist, you`re just laying on a couch in Ikea"
Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on some one elses saved game
You call them French Fries…I call them Edible Ketchup Shovels.
If I ever sound inspriational, one of us is drunk.
If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you`ll be dead soon.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
Can you imagine how sexy I`d be if I ate right and took care of my body... I`m not going to, but can you imagine
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.
To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing!
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
We live in a time where "He is hot" is more important than "He is a nice guy."