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I`ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
I love my toilet. We`ve been through alot of sh!t together.
“I went to Jared” I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
I will never be to old to laugh when somone farts in a public bathroom peeing..
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
"Dont make me regret this!" is something I say to myself every time I accept a facebook friendship from a relative.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.
It`s not that people use only 10% of their brains, it`s that only 10% of people use their brains.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon
Car commercials make driving around in empty parking structures look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"
my girlfriend asked me to go to the store and pick her up 50 shades of grey, she was pretty mad when i brought home 50 tubes of lipstick.