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When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
Saying "I`m offended" is basically telling the world you can`t control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.
CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE: Oh... I have nothing to say, I just crave the spotlight.
You know you are paranoid when you think this joke is about you.
It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I`m a nice person.
I wonder what it feels like to be wrong.
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
Don`t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.
I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
I`m starting to think that all those hours in school, when I practiced writing my autograph, was just a waste of time.....
Irresponsible is when your neighbor doesn`t pay their wifi bill.
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.