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You look over-medicated. What`s your doctor`s name?
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won`t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
Maybe Oscar wouldn`t have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he`s homeless
Let`s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
You make your own luck`.. a saying most popular with lucky f*ckers
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don`t have a wife to confirm it.
Condoms prevent minivans.
None of my girlfriends even know they`re dating me.
Marriage. Because your sh*tty day doesn`t have to end at work
Balloons are so weird... "happy birthday, here`s a plastic sack of my breath"
Just dropped off some film to be processed. More on this story as it develops.
If you try to fail but you succeed which have you done?
People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.