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Coffee...Meet your Maker!
Back in my day, we had to remember phone numbers and give people directions and don`t get me started on the dinosaurs.
If the Terminator was female the line would have been, “I might be back, I haven’t decided yet.”
Sorry, I didn’t get your message because I deleted it without listening.
I would die if I had to stop exaggerating.
I’m on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle!
Hey I just met you, and this is crazy. But add me on Facebook and I`ll stalk you (maybe)
I’ve already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I’m gonna “come on down” whether they call my name or not.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don`t get married. If you are over 35, don`t get married. If you are 35, don`t get married.
Well I made it through the day without beating anyone with a chair. I`d say my people skills are improving.
For some reason, I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why!
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Independence Day.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.
Clearly if you have to blame yourself, you`re not hanging out with enough people.