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I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Men, remember to re-stock the spiders this weekend so she remembers why she keeps you around.
You`d think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I`ve been drinking.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?” Facebook is worse than my parents.
If I text with “Almost there!” I haven’t left yet.
"A vodka, please" "Sir, this is McDonald`s" "OK, a McVodka, please and super size it."
"How many people work at your company?" About half of them.
I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That`ll teach `em.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for most of you.
Surveys say 1 out of every 2 people suck at math. It`s terrible that 80% of the population can`t even do the easiest calculations.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
Alcohol – The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance “medicine.”
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
I don’t drink to forget about problems. I drink to create new problems that that make the old issues irrelevant.
Safety Tip: lock your doors and windows before bed. Btw, I love what you`ve done with the place.