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Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
Was at an Apple store today when I let out a really loud fart. Boy, the employee`s were so mad. Hey, Not my fault they don`t have windows!
If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving, but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free.
Look for my new diet book: "How To Work Out And Watch What You Eat And Still Gain Plenty Of Weight"
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
I`d like to thank Tetris for making me really good at loading my dishwasher.
New rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I`m guaranteed at least one attempt on trying to trip you.
OMG, what a day I had. If Monday was a guy, I`d punch him in the throat!
Sometimes, entire relationships can be chalked up to, "that weird thing I did for a while."
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with hope that it might magically solve her problems.
We all just sat there and watched as Pepe Le Pew tried to rape that cat. Shame on us.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.