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If you`re wondering about my cooking skills, I`ve been asked to bring paper towels to our family gathering.
Saw a girl with three lip piercings, took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain
Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
Let’s get naughty and save Santa the trip.
I think there’s finally enough stuff in my kitchen junk drawer to build a spaceship.
Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
Bigger isn`t always better. Thighs, for example.
I bet spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.
Marriage. When dating goes too far.
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
The first person who discovered how to make popcorn must have been like "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!"
I can come up with plenty of ways to do nothing.
How come dogs aren’t ticklish?
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.