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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption "Summer is finally here!" or we wouldn`t have known it`s summer.
My girlfriend and I have an open relationship and will continue to do so right up until she finds out.
I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night ... From the dryer
My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn`t."
My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.
Hey ladies who complain about falling in when we leave the toilet seat up; how about you first check if the runway is there before you bring the plane down.
Guys say that women should come with instructions, but what`s the point. Have you ever seen a man read instructions?
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I’m home alone. Time to start my concert.
Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions"
If two donuts are stuck together it counts as one right?
I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.