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My greatest talent is being able to watch 5 years worth of a TV shows in one week.
What if in like 30 years they made a film about Leonardo DiCraprio and how he never won an Oscar…and the actor who played him got an Oscar.
I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.
How did Mexico keep enough people from crossing the border to field a full soccer team?
We`re sorry to announce that due to budget cuts the beloved carol "Silver Bells" will be replaced with the more cost effective carol "Aluminium Bells".
Why are we still testing on animals when there are pedophiles in prison.
When people I don’t know ask me what I do for a living I shout “Karma,” and punch them before running away.
My son asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.
“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It`s like a tattoo that yells at you.
That akward moment you try and deep throat a banana and get caught ... and your a dude.
If guys had periods, they´d brag about the size of their tampons.
If you have to tell us that you`ve been going to the gym, you probably need to go more often....
Besides being curled up on the bathroom floor convinced I was dying from liver failure for a few hours, last night was fun.
Friending someone on Facebook and complaining about what they post is like phoning someone to tell them you don’t want to talk to them.