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One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
God is creative, I mean just look at me.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I`ve decided to start growling.
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you`re not allowed to use them. Because nothing says class like useless towels.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like `Stabbyrabbit` or `Weaponrat`
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.
I`m Dave, or as the ladies like to call me... "Hey, you! Behind the bushes!"
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.
"Always leave them wanting more" is my new mantra when paying bills.
You know a woman really loves you when she vandalizes your car after an argument.