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Logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
has often thought that what doesn’t kill us makes us drink stronger liquor.
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
You`ve been on more hotel pillows then chocolate mints.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it`s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty.
A recent report shows that people who smoke weed get into 85% fewer car crashes than drunk people. Obviously. It`s a lot easier to see what`s coming when you`re only driving at eleven miles an hour.
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
A date with Destiny.. Cause strippers need lovin` too.
The moment when someone says a word and everyone laughs, including you and then someone goes, "Do you know what that means?" and you go "No, not really."
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
The fact that you don’t find me amazing doesn’t bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"...
Dear wind, what has my hair ever done to you?
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.