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I`m still mad that video killed the radio star.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?
Ran out of post-it notes, now I don`t know how to remind myself to buy more.
Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire.
Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
Don`t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Hey people who buy bottled water for their dogs, can I have some money?
People who don’t like pizza are people you don’t need in your life.
Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
Remember when the scariest thing we had to deal with was computers forgetting what year it was
Some young men are like bottles of wine. They need to be tended to carefully & given time to mature; which is why I keep a few in my cellar.
Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... The five stages of waking up.
For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I`m on a `secure line`