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Things I didn`t learn in high school... how to pay bills buy a house apply for college but thank goodness I can graph a polynomial function.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants.
GF: "You`re cute when you`re drunk" Me: "You`re cute when I`m drunk too"
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
I wonder if there are birds that prefer not to sing in the morning and that just roll around in their nests until noon.
If you can´t read this, you´re illiterate.
I would probably die of sleep deprivation if Facebook added a dislike button
Just because I’m smiling, doesn’t mean I don’t want to hit you in the face.
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
I’ve yet to be intimidated by a fancy wine list thanks to my vast knowledge of fine wines and my eeny, meeny, miny, moe system.
Nothing says IDGAF like an old lady at a slot machine wearing oxygen and smoking a cigarette.