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I`m getting a mistletoe tramp stamp.
So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
I think that there are two things that we can all agree on: Boobs.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!
I go on dates just to remind myself that being single is awesome.
I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember all the things I was suppose to do.
Why isn’t the default for online shopping “view all”? Who likes to skip through 20 pages of only 12 items…
Have you ever wondered if Dora is smuggling drugs in her backpack?
To Do: Figure out how to get paid to travel the world and eat.
Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
Calling your girlfriend beautiful because you forgot her name.