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If you are hotter than me, wouldn’t that make me cooler than you.
You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks you what you like to do for fun.
The closest I got to a 4.0 at university… was my blood alcohol level!
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Get real. No one’s going to form a single line if the building’s on FIRE.
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
Come on snooze button, is 9 minutes all you have to offer...I need something in the 2-3 hour range.
Give up, itsy-bitsy spider. It wasn`t meant to be.
Went to a nudest camp once and all I could think was.. these are the people you see dressed in Wal-Mart that you don`t want to see naked.
My bank lets me send a text message and it will text back with my balance. Its a cool feature but I didn`t think the LOL was necessary.
If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I`m almost out.
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles ... Do your damn job.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I`m the proud owner of aisle 7.