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Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying “sorry breaking up with you” or that a minute later she text me back “sorry wrong number.”
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn`t mean together.
To trick people into thinking I understand things at a museum I stand in front of every painting and silently count to twenty.
u smile i smile u laugh i laugh u cry i`ll go get a bat and say who`s gonna get it
In all my years, I have never finished a pencil.
Ice cream is clearly God`s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
From all these shows I`ve watched it seems like snipers lay down a lot of the day....I`d probably be pretty good at that job.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn`t improved since fourth grade.
Tried to borrow some bread from my Indian neighbour, but he said he had naan....
The weather is so nice. I think I’ll go outside and watch other people run.
roses are red.... my name is dave...this poem makes no sense.... microwave...