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What`s it called when you always have a sweet tooth, but it`s only for booze?
I`m at the "what can I make with green beans and cake mix" stage of needing groceries
I love finding money in my clothes. It`s like a gift to me... from me. :)
Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it.
My new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter STEP 2: Receive email newsletter STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life.
Have you noticed that it`s only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
If I procrastinated any harder right now, it would have to involve time travel.
They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can`t leave messages now. That`s the kind of genius I am.
So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses...
Iam not as THINK as you DRUNK iam!!
To settle an argument, think about why you are wrong and why she has boobs.
You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.