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I bet Miley Cyrus is eating Twerky right now.
is tring to fool people into thinking I have a social life by going offline from Facebook for a few hours.
I need my decision making privileges taken away.
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
"Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
Studies show that people with high sex drives also tend to be very forgetful. Did I tell you guys that already?
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately
Why isn`t Wendy`s girl fat? You would think that someone who eats so many Baconators, chicken sandwiches and other burgers, would be quite the porker by now.
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
I`d get lost less frequently if GPS would say "no, your other left."
I`ve dieted and worked out enough to realize that the only way I`m getting smokin` hot is by getting cremated.
It was so cold out today i actually saw a few gangsters with their pants pulled up.