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You think you are too small to make a difference? then you have never spent a single night with a mosquito.
I often wonder how things worked out for that guy who grabbed the bull by the horns.
I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
Anyone want to come over and watch porn on my new flat screen mirrior?
My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
POLITICS; from `poly` meaning `many and `Tics` meaning blood-sucking creatures. Just sayin`
Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you`ve gone Commando a few times in your life.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
Every time I see a pregnant woman, I very much want to ask if she swallowed a watermelon seed.
I thought we had nothing in common until I saw you buying 3 margaritas at a time.
Wonder what my couch is doing right now.