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There´s a thin line between "I should do a status update about that" and "I should talk to a therapist about that"
Now that I`m on Facebook, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
I can’t wait until I get that job at Starbucks because I’m going to spell everyone’s name wrong so they can’t instagram their cups.
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard. My second thought is virgin wizard.
I`m the crazy bitch you`ll never forget.
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
I wasn`t going to get so many groceries, but there was a new girl working today and she took my check.
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
Yes... I repost. Isn`t that kinda the point? Spread the love and shit? Mostly shit... But that`s your fault...
Having kids puts a new perspective on life.