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Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
If you don’t like something change it... if you can’t change it....post it on facebook, so we can "like it" and laugh..
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing
The guy who named the "chimichanga" should be given more authority to name things.
Dont freeze your Common sense in the process of being COOL.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
Where is the "Made In China" labels made?
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep, but once a month, it`s shark week.
I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts.
I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers. Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn`t really listening.