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Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
If someone says you used too much butter or cheese on something, stop talking to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
Your family tree must look like a cactus........everybody on it is a pr!ck
I don’t trust joggers, it’s a little too convenient that they are always the ones to discover dead bodies.
Looking back at old text messages and Facebook messages and being like "What the hell was I thinking when I said that."
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? You were driving 80 miles an hour. Driver: "No way; I ain`t even been on the road an hour."
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
Why is the guy who serves you at the restaurant called a waiter, when it is you that is waiting?
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
If ignorance is bliss then there`s a crap load of people in paradise
are you free tomorrow ?! no I am f**king expensive !!
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
So does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won`t share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding! I have no clue whose kid this is.