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A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Of course women dont fart. They never shut up long enough to build up pressure
Oh, he uses you for sex? Stop bitching…Sex is awesome. Complain when he’s using you for laundry….. or a human shield.
If I lean to the left. I am not trying to whisper in your ear. I`m married. I`m gonna fart.
Barbie has an awful lot of things for a girl who`s knees don`t bend.
I realized I eat too much fast food so I decided I would start cooking for myself. Does anyone here know how to "mcnugget" a chicken?
Nothing tests that whole "for better or worse" thing like the question "does this look infected?"
I have to hand it to people who lead a double life ... I can barely handle the one I have.
Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.
Guy- What`s your sign? Me- Stop
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If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
Admit it, we all have that special someone we`d visit if given a tank to drive for a day