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I don’t go to bars for the same reason I don’t grocery shop when I’m hungry. I always come home with things I didn’t need.
School is like an erection. It`s long and hard unless you`re Asian.
Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour
I`m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
So apparently RSVP`ing back to a wedding invite `maybe next time` isn`t the correct response
I don`t think America should elect a president in 2016. We need to be single for a few years and find ourselves.
If karma doesn`t hit you, I gladly will.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!”
FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.
you know you have a kid personality when you think step brothers is the greatest movie ever.
Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
Just burned 3 calories typing this with my thumb muscles. #fitness
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?