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Two days is not enough time for a weekend.
My wife looks for signs Iām cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on
It should cost $10 to leave someone a voicemail.
Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.
Before McDonald`s I bet "don`t buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule.
I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.
There has to be an online course that I can take to get over my internet addiction.
My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That`s the last time we`re playing Monopoly.
If your problem can`t be solved by me saying "damn" and nodding a lot, then you shouldn`t come to me for help.
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
I really want to talk to you about how I don`t want to talk to you.
Porn & love songs. Destroying reality forever.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.
When in doubt, read Facebook Statuses, you`ll see you`re not the only crazy one around