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This status was brought to you by me being bored on the toilet.
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
This town has more white trash in it than a dumpster behind a paper plate factory
An apple a day is bullsh!t. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs
Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn`t kill the dinosaurs. I`ve been to the museum. It`s obvious they starved to death.
People with jobs: It`s Friday!!! People without jobs: It`s Friday?
Imagine all the amazing places you could take naps if you were Superman.
I can`t fall asleep because I am too excited for Christmas
As I slid my finger slowly down her G string, I thought to myself "this is a nice guitar"
Stop saying I`m hard to shop for. Surely you know where the liquor store is
Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again
I wish "You idiot" was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Suddenly I can`t remember if it`s ok to use tampons as Nerf darts or if it`s the other way around.