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If it weren`t for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.
Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
Sometimes I feel as though my life should be documented for future generations.
Note to self: don’t set your password reminder as “you should know this”
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Behind every great women is a man checking out her a$$
If its true we`re here to help others, then what exaclty are the others here for?
My wife`s credit cards were stolen last week. I haven`t reported it yet though...because so far, they are spending less than she was.
Love is a two way street but you have to be careful because women can’t drive.
Look for my new diet book: "How To Work Out And Watch What You Eat And Still Gain Plenty Of Weight"
My mom says I`m special.
It is a sad day when you go to all the trouble of getting a Frontal Lobotomy and no one notices.....................
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
It’s amazing how easily “I have 10 minutes to waste before I need to leave” accidentally turns into “oh crap I’m running late.”
"it`s the thought that counts" doesn`t include showering. You have to actually do that.