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I`m actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement..
I could really go for a beer and a million dollars.
I believe in looking out for number one. Especially if the dog is not house trained.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean & people think I’m joking.
Remember, laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrea.
Just hung a picture. I nailed it.
The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself"...and spiders. Oh, and ticks and nuclear war and getting laid off and losing your eye sight and...
I`m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out. We are going to watch tv.
“I demand a recount.” – Me, in a nugget dispute at McDonald’s.
I’m glad MTV has shows like Teen Mom 3 so girls have good role models besides Miley.
On the bright side, it’s Friday Eve Eve Eve.
My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
You`re right, vodka. This is the perfect time to use a hammer.
If you want to go running with me, you`d better be prepared to walk a lot.