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Ain’t no sandwich when she’s gone.
Collecting my thoughts… I almost have a whole set! ;)
April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.
What do sleeping and sex have in common? ... I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
The secret to dancing is to pretend you have a wedgie and you`re trying to get it unstuck without using your hands.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
I`m the kind of crazy you weren`t warned about because no one knew this level existed.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day to the fool that gave up alcohol for Lent.
I broke my finger today. But on the other hand I`m fine.
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.
Rick Ross be rapping about cars he can`t even fit in.
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
Retirement plans compared .. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycl
Women with big breasts... ...can get a taxi on the worst days ...have a neat place to carry spare change ...have always been the center of the arts (art) ...make jogging a spectator sport ...can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub ...have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them) ...usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie ...can always carry a little extra ...always float better ...know where to look first for lost earrings ...rarely lack for a slow dance partner ...hav