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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
Jehovah`s witnesses don`t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don`t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Lord, if I can`t be skinny, make my friends look fat.
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
Pumpkin for sale. Slightly used
Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is nine-seven now, and we don`t know where they hell she is.
When people ask for my advice, I advise them not to take my advice. That really screws them up.
I don’t mean to brag but when I’m at the Taco Bell drive thru placing my order, I don’t even look at the prices.
Stop, drop, and roll isn`t just an effective fire safety tip, but it is also an interesting way to get out of a boring conversation.
My parents say I was an unplanned child, which probably explains why my life isn`t going to plan.
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but I like women.
If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."