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I got some new underwear. Well, new to me...
Not having any friends means I`m always the pretty one.
The trouble with bucket seats is that, not everybody has the same size bucket.
Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn`t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me...
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn`t let you skip.
Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire
The worst part of Aquaman`s day has to be, when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Cubs fans, you need to wait 107 more years. But don`t worry, 2124 will be here before you know it!
I`m right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?
I`m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I`d go on a road trip with my mom.
It’s a status….not your diary…
All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.
Ever noticed that `beer can` in a british accent sounds exactly like `bacon` in a jamaican accent?