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My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can’t these days. My phone battery just doesn’t have the stamina any more.
I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
FYI: Push-up bras don`t actually help you do more push-ups :(
My boss calls it a cubicle. I call it a happiness deprivation chamber.
I bet Jellyfish are sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b.r.b” instead of “r.i.p”.
Boys will be boys... unless they get a sex change.
Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.
I`m getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I`ve got Norton but...
To all those that now have a DUI, domestic violence charge or one less finger... Happy 5th of July
I’ve decided to get rid of my bad habits…just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.
In retrospect, I suppose "harder" wasn`t the best choice of a safe word.
Nothing says "I`ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.