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There’s no excuse for my behavior, so I’m drinking until I have one.
People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
If at first you don`t succeed ... run them over
Salary is like a menstrual cycle, it comes once a month and is gone in five days...
I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, she`s always there, 10 paces ahead of me...
I can`t decide what`s more embarrassing - the fact that I still live out of a suitcase, or that I`m a professional ventriloquist dummy.
For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember… that’s where the knives are kept.
I don`t know why I ever signed up for Facebook. I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!
Why are Doctors so afraid of apples?
Being the fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
"You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like sh!t."
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far!
Mosquito`s and parking inspectors must be from the same family...