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The trick is to not let people know how weird you really are until its too late for em to back out
I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they`re going to expire in 2017.
apparently telling my girlfriend her acuracy is as high as a magic 8 ball wasn`t a good idea.
My pants are 75% off.
I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.
"is Pepsi ok?" - my coke dealer, tryin to be funny
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
Anyone else think there should be a sarcasm font?
That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.
I just took the "What Kind of Asshole are You?" quiz and got "The kind that posts my results on Facebook".
Education is a process where we waste one half of our life learning how to waste the other half of our life!!
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Saw a chameleon today, so I`m assuming it wasn`t a very good one.
BREAKING NEWS: Will Smith sends Miley Cyrus to live with auntie and uncle in Bel Air.