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Dieting is for the birds. Which is why you hardly ever see a fat bird.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
"I guess you`re right." - No one on the internet ever
Everyone has that one friend that can turn any conversation into something dirty....I am usually that friend.
I`m watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
You haven`t really made it until people start using your name as a verb.
When nobody`s home, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house.
I bet attractive people think the world is a lot more polite than it really is.
Cleavage is like the sun, you can look... But its dangerous to stare
I`m starting a pay it backward campaign. When I get up to the drive through window I tell them that the car behind me is going to pay for it.
When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don`t understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.