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Financial status: I hope United Airlines drags me off my flight
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Its that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year.
Rapper; "I`m killing them snitches, smacking then bitches, smokin blunts and f*ckin hoes!" *wins award* Rapper: "I just wanna thank god.."
Are security guards at Samsung stores called Guardians of the Galaxy?
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
The recipe said "prick with a fork,",,,, but enough about me.
Finding friends with the same disorder as you... priceless!
I think my "check engine" light has finally burned out. So that`s good.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
I don’t want to think I’m getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
Just seen this girl walk into a lamp post! I could have stopped her but that wouldn`t have been funny would it
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you`ll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.
Beautiful people are more beautiful when surrounded by ugly people
Ignoring things don`t make them go away, it makes them drunk dial you.