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Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains that could`ve become beer, but didn`t
I have no words to describe this day. I do however have a number of obscene gestures that would work.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
"Mary had a little lamb. That`s had." - the wolf
There`s a reason why natural disasters have female names.
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
is wondering why books on "how to make women happy" arent displayed in the fiction section
Whenever I`m feeling down... I try to make sure my nails are clipped.
Girls just wanna have funds.
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you’re ignorant and make bad decisions.
a lady at the grocery store asked me, "How do I know you?"...to which I replied, "You must watch a lot of porn".
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.