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Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
I`ve learned to take life as it comes...straight with no chaser.....
Three weeks without a signal typo!
The perfect time for a snack is while you’re waiting for another snack to finish cooking.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”
I was told there would be kool-aid.
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married, right?
OMG, you`re huge! There`s no way you`ll fit inside me.- My clothes probably.
Note: the 5 second rule does not apply to soup.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the adult version of hiding your report card from your parents.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that`s my cat and we`re not done with our accupuncture session.
Note to self: Thanks for always being there.
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.