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I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
If your pillow fort hasn’t got an armory filled with Nerf guns, then you’re not really taking pillow forting as seriously as you should be.
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
This earthquake was the first time that I`ve ever said, "it was 4.7, but felt bigger."
If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.
If I haven`t offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It`s in there.
Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb sh!t.
If anyone has any terrible ideas, I`ve historically been very open to them.
Firemen, Astronauts, and Doctors are the only people who actually followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He`s got a gun!" and then you`ll look like a cool hero.
My last boyfriend used to smile and say "I love you" to me every morning as he left for work. At least I think that`s what he was saying. It can be tricky to lip read through binoculars.
There is a 3-for-2 sale in my local shoe shop. I almost bought myself a new pair of shoes, but couldn`t decide whether to get an extra left or a right one as part of the offer....
Just signed a $320,000, nine year deal with my therapist.
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal