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The first rule of selfie club should be to clean your room.
Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.
I love long walks on the beach under the moonlight, poetry, candlelight dinners, and having my a$$ spanked with a fuzzy slipper.
House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work.
Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
After a certain point, the `F` on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
Don`t get into a relationship with someone unless they love you as much as Kim Kardashian loves Kim Kardashian.
I`ll be there in a second I just gotta finish writing this letter of apology to a club owner for tearing up his dance floor last night..
The awkward moment when you realise you’re wrong in an argument, but you keep arguing anyway.
FACT: There’s always room for another cupcake.
a lady at the grocery store asked me, "How do I know you?"...to which I replied, "You must watch a lot of porn".
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.