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I smile when I`m having dirty thoughts :)
Don`t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
that song on your iPod that you always skip but never delete.
If you think your having a bad day ... You could be digging your own grave at gun point and find buried treasure.
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I`ll take lookout.
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”
Ain`t no sunshine when she`s gone..... or sandwiches.... Ain`t no sandwiches either.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome.