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Burger King is offering delivery service in some areas. I don’t trust it. Everyone knows it’s impossible to drive without eating the fries.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
There`s no time like the present to make a positive change in your life ... or to take a nice nap
The sole purpose of a child`s middle name, is so he can tell when he`s really in trouble.
Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
The guy below me obviously has never seen R2-D2.
I don’t know what my neighbor’s name is and we’ve been neighbors too long for me to ask.
It`s not so much that I have to work that bothers me...oh wait, yes it is.
I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
"If Donald Duck doesn`t have to wear pants than neither do I!"- Me getting drunk at Disney World.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.
My nickname at work is "HR wants to see you"
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the "tasty" box.
I bet the Fantastic 4 were just pretending to have a girl in the group. "Uh yeah she`s just invisible right now. She`s totally real though."
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.