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I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
Coffee: fueling you for a job you can`t stand to support a life you never wanted. Tastes good though...
If I`ve offended you in the past, please accept my apology, and shove it up your a$$.
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
If Wyle E Coyote had enough cash to buy all that ACME stuff why didn’t he just buy dinner?
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
They say laughter is the best medicine... found out that`s not true for treating diarrhea.
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
Never piss off the person that cooks your dinner ... EVER!
Welcome to the obesessive-compulsive hotline... please press 1 repeatedly.
Breaking News: Viagra shippment stolen... Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
Starbucks isn`t really that expensive compared to how much Victoria`s Secret charges per cup.
I can`t figure out why everyone calls me a smart-ass. Is it because I`m smart and have a great ass?
Technically, every picture is a before picture.