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Ladys, if you`re in an argument with a guy and there`s no may to win. Start playing with your boobs...works every time.
If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
I`m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Your eyes are so beautiful. If you look deep enough i can see my own reflection...
I think ugly people have children just to prove to everyone they had sex.
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
I`m feeling about as useful as a stoplight in Grand Theft Auto.
Still don`t understand why you can`t end a company-wide email with, `Later b*tches.`
Did you hear about the Cannibal that "passed" his Uncle in the Jungle?...............
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you`re having a velociraptor.
I don`t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
People say 60 is the new 40 but the cop who just pulled me over doesn`t agree.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY