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If your Facebook post requires me to hit “continue…” get a diary.
I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
Wine: How classy people get trashed.
I`m a huge fan of screaming "You`re welcome" really loud when people don`t say thank you...
I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone`s lawns so freshly mowed.
If your camel toe looks like a elephants hoof, you might want to rethink the yoga pants.
I need to stop making things more complicated than they need to be. I`m adding that to my bucket Power Point presentation.
I drink because people talk.
Anybody know where the cheapest place to buy 12 red roses is?.....just asking for a friend.
When plastic bags become currency, I will be king.
if you were 2 times as smart as you are now ... you would still be stupid
I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.
Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell him I’m him from the future.
Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever...