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You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
I don`t know what`s scarier. Houses with Halloween decorations or houses that still have up Christmas decorations from last year.
Who needs a social life when you have Netflix and a fridge full of food?
I wonder how many strangers have stories about me.
I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.
I would rather have a bad day of fishing then a good day of work.
When you`re tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."
Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.
I don`t work that hard, I just make everything look way more difficulat than it is...
I can`t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
I am really thankful that I have a desk job. I could never get all my personal stuff done at home.
Putting on deoderant and colonge because you haven`t showered in days, is as about as useful as shutting the lid on a toilet after its overflowing.
Good job on the speed traps, cops – How are the murderer traps coming along?
It`s not that I CAN`T be good, it`s that I`m SOOOOO much better at being BAD!!!
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.