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I don`t get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.
If you think you hate me now, wait till I start answering your rhetorical questions.
I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.
Some days there just isn`t enough give-a-damn.
tonights theme: grab somebody sexy tell them hey, give me everything tonight!
Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo
When someone shows you they don`t want to be a part of your life, let them go. I`m not saying you can`t make a voodoo doll of them, though.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
It’d be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security’s face when they pull off the mask.
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched....well, at least that`s what the restraining order says.
is it rude to throw a breath-mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
I hate when I`m about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.
I can`t wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.
I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I`ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
If my grandmother were alive today, I`m pretty sure she`d still have her blinker on.