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Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don`t eat anything else today and tomorrow.
I give 2 star movies 5 stars on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I’ve turned myself around.
Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!
When plastic bags become currency, I will be king.
I know I should lift weights, but those things are heavy!!
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
If the shoe fits . . . buy one in every color
Drunk me absolutely loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.
I`m going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I`m drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.
roses are red, violets are blue, god made everyone beautiful, what the hell happened to you?
Million Dollar Idea: A restaurant that offers Coke and Pepsi....
Another year has passed. I`ve just about given up on the Mayans.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but i turned myself around and THAT`S what it`s all about