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I`ve had like 10 red bulls, so of course I`m vacuuming the front yard.
I wish I had a friend like me
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear….. I’m just fat.
My gift horse is facing the wrong way
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
That son of a b*tch moment when you`re walking around the house with socks on and step on a random wet spot.
Anybody know where the cheapest place to buy 12 red roses is?.....just asking for a friend.
Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
North Korea no!, really, go home! now you are really drunk!
It`s hard to be a good person when kids fit so perfectly into trash cans.
If lemons hand you life, you’re probably dyslexic
Nothing makes me more nervous than getting FB msg saying, “You’ve been tagged in a photo” after a crazy weekend.
In my day we had to roll the windows up and down with our bare hands.
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.