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Not to brag, but I`m pretty good in bed. I don`t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
The black sheep always have the best stories.
All things being considered......half of your friends are below average.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?
You know what the cheapest meat is? Deer balls ... They`re under a buck
Hey dumb a$$. Not everything I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with Hey dumb a$$.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me "Sir" without adding, "You`re making a scene."
Is it wrong to ask someone with an eye patch "Was it all fun and games up to that point?"
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.
Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.
I dont hate you but, if you put `just about to jump off a cliff` as your facebook statuses i would poke you
Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the "tasty" box.