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I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
I did responsible things all day so tonight will consist of nothing that even resembles responsibility.
I’ll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
It`s shocking how much unhappiness is caused by the pressure to be happy.
Do you realize that Scrooge was essentially water-boarded into changing his outlook on Christmas?
More people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
How much time has to pass before grave robbing is considered archaeology?
Did anyone else go into a furious, violent rage when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?
If you wake up with a funny taste in your mouth on christmas morning...............just remember that santa only cums once a year. :D
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`