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I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
My friend is a magician, she can turn anything into an argument.
I won`t be impressed with technology until I can download food.
A "long story" is just a short story that no one wants to tell.
I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
When I die I want Charlie Sheen’s life to flash before my eyes.
I think I`ve finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with, I should probably get out of her closet and introduce myself.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
I went to Jared for my girlfriend`s Christmas gift. I`m sure she will love her Subway gift card.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon
Being in hot water isn`t so bad if you throw in some bubbles and a glass of champagne.
I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting ... What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.
New Study: Long-term beer drinking can lead to depression, also known as "running out of beer."