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That awkward moment when you get in the van... And there`s no candy.
If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?
Christmas came early this year! My neighbor just upgraded our internet speed... I mean his internet speed. Or whatever...
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever
A good lawyer knows the law ... A great lawyer knows the judge.
Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ``Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?``
went to the book store earlier to buy a Where´s Waldo book. When I got there, I couldn´t find the book anywhere. Well played Waldo, well played.
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happened to me, only with beer.
Mac & Cheese doesn`t contain many vitamins, so it`s important you always eat a bunch of it.
Coffee eyedrops! Another million dollar idea.
Learn to fight like you`re the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!
I had my Crayola guy re-run the numbers,,, and there`s only 36 shades of grey
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it´s for them?