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It`s a beautiful day, think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit.
My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time, so I showed her pictures of me before we met.
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
What`s the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller" ?
If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don`t want it.
"Try to score a goal. Don`t use your hands. See you afterwards." - Soccer coaches
Like this if you’re “never drinking again.”
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I`m totally flexible
How funny is it when you’re telling somebody a made-up story and someone says “Oh yeah I heard about that”?
It`s such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared...
For the love of God, single people, stop looking for love or you`ll end up married.
I hate it when I open my fridge and get punched by a bear... =/
Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.
Now that cell phones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again...
If you cut your child`s sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...