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Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.
I’m starting to think that the gym isn’t really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups. I woke up 2 hours later.
I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
No matter how busy a guy is, he can always take out a moment from his busy life to just stop and stare at a beautiful girl.
I`m only 2 girls short of a threesome.
I only drank twice last week....Once for three days and once for four days
The older I get .... The more dangerous it is to sneeze
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
I think Tampax and Hershey`s should get together and offer a super pack....
When we give each other a thumbs up, it`s our way of mocking every other animal on earth.
Someone told me once that to have more confidence during sex, put in a live concert album while doing it. That way, you will hear applause every 3-4 minutes but I did it wrong. Accidentally put in a live concert album and all I heard was laughter!
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
The moment when someone says a word and everyone laughs, including you and then someone goes, "Do you know what that means?" and you go "No, not really."
I can`t turn water into wine, but I can turn vodka into dinner