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I went to the store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine`s Day. Someone is a marketing genius.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside.
Happy "Another excuse to drink" Day!
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult. So yeah...kids are stupid.
Soccer is just like my sex life. Long periods of time with no action followed by pure shock & surprise by all parties involved when I score.
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it`s in.
I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I`ve been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."
Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn`t going to help me type any faster.
If your online dating profile says "I don`t have sex on the first date" then that`s why you`re on a dating website.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
It was so cold out today i actually saw a few gangsters with their pants pulled up.