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Financial status: I hope United Airlines drags me off my flight
My internet was down for almost 4 mins, I’m ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
OH NO !,,,,,,,,, I just realized I can`t stop calling the addiction hotline....
I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.
Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can`t believe kids this age are already so polite.
Facebook is the best place to say whatever you want. If it doesn’t go over well you can just say you were hacked.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
A fun thing to do is comment "that ain`t the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Asking a guy, "Are you done with that?" & pointing to his girlfriend, is frowned upon. Apparently.
I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.
What if "I`m coming out with a new scent" was just a way for famous people to warn others that they were about to fart?
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Good morning friends … Wait … what the hell m I doing up this early?