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I`m getting a mistletoe tramp stamp.
You can`t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn`t going according to plan.
When all else fails… Pizza & Beer.
If I pat you on the back, there`s a 99% chance that I`m only using you as a napkin
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin ... I don’t even know what that means, but now I’m hungry.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy but sometimes I let her sleep instead..
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
Dear Rebecca Black, you are the most beautiful And prettiest girl in the world. Don`t let the haters get you down. P.S Forgot to mention today`s opposite day.
I never cry over spilt milk. But, beer? That sh!t`s totally different.
That urge you get to write "No one gives a sh!t" on someone`s status..