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My son just accused me of making stuff up. I wouldn`t mind but I don`t even have any children!
You would never know I had a college degree if you saw how many times I tried to push when it says pull.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I want to grow my own food but I can`t find any bacon seeds.
Why even ask how my weekend was if you’re just going to interrupt me halfway through to say “Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.”
I will give you unconditional love as soon as you meet my list of demands.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Doing some laundry and hot single socks in my dryer are looking for a mate.
CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it`ll work again.
I`m disgusted by the thought of people updating their status while sitting on the toilet like I am right now.
Relationship status: Just got screamed at for peeling the carrots wrong.
If you can`t handle me at my worst, then that sucks because that`s all there is to me.
I put the “Pro” in Procrastinate.
I wonder if there`s a margarita somewhere out there thinking about me, too.
I thought I cracked this "adulthood" till I realised my shirt was on inside out !!!!!