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Some things get in the way of my happiness, so I ignore them.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" and watch the panic set in.
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b.r.b” instead of “r.i.p”.
The ultimate home security system is having crappy stuff.
I tried kickboxing, but I couldn`t get the hang of walking with boxing gloves on my feet.
Bitch, you`re just like monday, nobody likes you -_-
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
Picture a scavenger hunt where the only items on the list are "your house keys" and "your house." Well, son, that`s what drinking is like.
You`re in your 20`s... you don`t have "haters"... you have "adults" that think you are "annoying"
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
I`ve just finished doing my hair, want to come over and mess it all up?
You really are the cat`s pajamas, and by that I mean you`re a stupid idea.
thinks we should all jump out of our chairs and do the 5 second happy dance! READY! GO!
Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?