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“I don’t watch tv” proudly says a person who spend 8 hours a day on the internet.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
If you could have all of Bill Gates` money or world peace, what colour would your Lamborghini be?
The responsibility of taking out the trash should be left to the person who runs out of ways to fit more trash in the bag.
If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now you`re super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
I need an emoticon that’s stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls.
Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?
This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.
CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he`s called "beautiful" on Facebook today.
DAMN IT!!!!! I just ripped the tag off one of my Beanie Babies! Now it`s worthless!!
I don`t mean to brag, but my posts are enjoyed by well over 20 people worldwide...
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I´m going back to bed for six weeks.
They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I`ve never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.
If House of Cards has taught me anything it’s that I need a friend who owns a rib place.