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When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
Sometimes, if you believe in something hard enough and deeply enough, nothing happens.
I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.
I’m exhausted just thinking of everything I have to do.
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever
Parallel park, like nobody’s laughing.
I always tell my kids that it`s ok to make mistakes as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
Whenever i see a facebook page Celebrate; "We have reached 200K fans". I just ask myself, do they know how many of those 200K died or left facebook or can`t remember their password after they liked the page?
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Golf is such a strange game. You shout four, shoot six, and write down five.
Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only 4 registers will be open.
Why can`t life be as easy as I am?