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What do you call a guy who makes "Woman in the Kitchen" jokes? Single.
Let`s start by taking some notes today. I`m fabulous bitches! Write that down.
I don`t care if it`s a kidnapping/murder; if you tell me a monkey will be involved, I`m 97% more likely to participate.
I got in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich.
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
I don`t like it here anymore. As soon as I find my pants, I`m leaving!
Relationship status: running out of films on Netflix.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
They should open a bar and call it "The Gym" so I can be like those annoying people on Facebook who brag about going to the gym every day.
Funny how people get all angry when you break something of theirs that they don`t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.
Don’t bother looking up “impose.” It’s next to impossible.
A cop just pulled me over and said papers - so I said scissors, I win and drove off.
Nothing says " My divorce didn`t go as planned " quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars
There are some people in this world who make you totally understand Hannibal Lecter.