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Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
Roses are red, violets are blue. god made me pretty,what happened to you?
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere "Hold my purse."
It took me quite some time to be this good a procrastinator
Good things come to those who wait. Better things come if you stop f*cking around and make sh!t happen.
Im not fat I´m just easier to see
I will stop loving you, when Spongebob gets his driving license.
Nothing like working out to make you feel like you deserve that burger and fries.
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I`m driving.
Life hack: If you keep your mouth shut, no one will know you`re so stupid
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
Are walruses just vampire manatees?