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So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right
Whenever I screw up at work, I`m so glad I`m not a doctor.
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
Sometimes, I wish I could fast forward the time just to see if in the end it`s all worth it.
To everybody that is single don`t worry you will have your day............ Palm Sunday is just around the corner
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
I`m out of bacon. This is my suicide note.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Sorry I`m late. I had five cups of coffee and became convinced I could probably bend a fork with my mind, so I had to give it an honest try.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I love to punch in the face.
I know the light has changed twice people but I`m playing air drums until Moby Dick is over...sit back and enjoy the show please...
Sometimes, entire relationships can be chalked up to, "that weird thing I did for a while."
People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don`t want to talk.
I was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one!